Sunday, June 20, 2010

the return of benj: ultimate saturday 9:30 park behind institute

ultimate shall be played tomorrow, saturday, at 9:30 AM at the park behind the institute.
in many instances throughout history, individuals of great acclaim have been forced to leave areas and people to which they are deeply attached.  some of them are great (and egotistical) generals, who get forced off of islands and proclaim they "shall return".  some of them are large actors who state their intention of coming back, then go on to govern an ungovernable state.

some of them, however, are as-of-yet relatively unknown figures to the world at large.  take, for example, an average-looking white male whose looks deceive, as his above-averageness is indicated by the locations in which he has called home: 
austria, bolivia, romania, spanish fork*, and sweden.  he holds two degrees from stanford, climbs mountains, speaks multiple languages, and can discuss classical music and literature like most men are capable of discussing...ummm...something that men are capable of discussing...I'd say cars, but I can't really talk about cars, and I'm not writing these emails to knock on my masculinity.  but he can discuss the classics pretty durn good**.

his name may not be known to you newcomers, but yours is known to him, as he knows all.  by the annals of history he will be known as benjamin christensen, but to you and me, he is known 
only by four letters:


his return is immenent, and he will reward the faithful with a frabjous game of ultimate frisbee.
  his skill with the disc rivals the most elevated of players: jon daniels, adam wilson, kenji, steve pearson, tim mason, and the elusive annette thacker.  however, uncoordinated folks like myself, do not be afraid, he is also intensely humble (even if he has no reason to be).  I cannot recommend a man more highly than mr. christensen (in every way), and I invite you to come bask in his supreme awesomeness***.

the game will be one for the ages.  fifty years from now, don't you want to be able to say that you had the courage to play ultimate this day?****

come to play, come to awe, come to glory.

yes, spanish fork is decidedly average, but appears somewhat exotic when placed with a list of foreign countries.
**as they say in spanish fark.
***remember, there is no charge for awesomeness.  or attractiveness.
****personally, I'd like to be able to say I never saw the sequel to transformers, but I'm afraid I'll never get those three hours (and bazillion brain cells) back.

ultimate wednesday 6:30 park behind institute

ultimate shall be played tomorrow, wednesday, at 6:30 PM at the park behind the institute.

given the huge outpouring* of inquiries as to the nature of the game of ultimate, I shall attempt to explain some of the more basic concepts:

ultimate (short for ultimate frisbee) is played with a frisbee disc, preferably a disc which was not bequeathed the player from a fast food restaurant in southern utah (the fries were great, but the frisbee was awful).  the players divide into two teams, the team with white shirts, and the team wearing other colors of t-shirts.  discrimination and prejudice based on skin color is completely wrong in every way, but discrimination based on t-shirt color is encouraged, as it provides useful entertainment.

players then attempt to score a goal by catching the disc in the end zone, or catching it within a few feet of the end zone and pretending to have caught it inside of the boundaries.  the latter is usually accompanied by various and sundry interpretations of the amorphous goal line, which is typically only demarcated by a single tree.  geometry will tell you to make a line you need two points, but in ultimate you just need a tree, and a liberal interpretation of the perpendicular concept.

the disc is advanced down the field by tossing and catching between players, or, as is more often the case, tossing and then yelling at me when I drop it.  players like myself spend more time crying and hitting the ground** than actually in possession of a disc.  if the disc is dropped, it is turned over to the other team, whereupon they drop it in like fashion, and the game proceeds in this manner.

moving with the disc is prohibited, unless you are incapable of coming to a complete stop from a full-out run upon catching the disc.  if your run is like mine, and more approximates the waddle of a severely pregnant woman carrying four bags of groceries than what any reasonable person could deem a "run", then you won't have that problem, but you could pretend that the waddle is hard to stop, and waddle your way another few steps down field.

after a point is scored, the scoring team tosses the disc to the loser team (or, in my parlance, the loser other color t-shirted team).  players fight over who gets to not throw the disc, as the entire field gets to see how poorly you throw.  hence my invention of the completely apostate and incorrect concept, "it's all about the roll".

as you can see, it's a fairly simple game with only a moderate amount of embarrassment, and if you're playing with me, you needn't worry, as I'll severely underplay you.  unless we begin talking about coding in R, and then I will whip y'all.

*and by huge, I mean utter lack of
**I can guarantee at least one crying outburst where I fall and hit the ground repeatedly with my buttery-fingered fist

ultimate wednesday 6:30 park behind institute

ultimate shall be played tomorrow, wednesday, at 6:30 PM at the park behind the institute.

if you don't come for the frisbee, come for the food*.  if you don't come for the food, come for the women**.  if you don't come for the women, come for the men***.  if you don't come for the men, come for the conversation****.  if you don't come for the conversation, come to sit around and see if I can duplicate the play several years back where I managed to emerge unscathed from a high speed collision with a large, attractive man (with an even more attractive girlfriend), whereas he was forced to quit the field, injured*****.

*lies.  there is no food.  unless you count the egos of the vanquished.
**less of a lie.  we have several women who regularly come, but they're more interested in crushing you than smooching (at least on the field, off the field, they are gloriously gracious).
***I can't imagine a reality in which sweaty men are appealing, but to each her own.
****the conversation is amazing.  we discuss suing our landlords, graduating, finishing finals in the next eight hours, getting denied by bone-crushing, yet dainty, women, denying men (at least the girls discuss this; I have yet to drum up a story about that...well, except one...), losing out in the end zone by inches to kiwi gazen (half gazelle, half woman of new zealander pseudo-nationality), times when our gazens have gotten us into trouble, and ducky togas, along with their dampening effect on dating.
*****uncoordinated skinny white nerds don't have a lot to brag about, but when we do, we remember it and bring it up again and again and again.  this particular play will get me into history books (I won't have as many mentions as Mr. Douglas, but mine won't be written by tenth graders, and followed by profanities).

ultimate wednesday 6:30 park behind institute

ultimate shall be played tomorrow, wednesday, at 6:30 PM at the park behind the institute.

some men find glory on the fields of battle.

some men find glory in the arms of a wonderful woman.

some men find glory within the halls of political conquest.

but most men live and die in obscurity*.

come make the most of your probationary estate, and live it up while you can, because you probably won't make it into any history books, so you might as well enjoy yourself instead of putting in that extra hour at work**.

*most women, however, live and die with obscure men, being completely un-obscure, beautiful vixens of vivaciousness themselves.
**sorry for the depressing message.  I'll make a history book and put you in it if it'll make you feel better.

ultimate wednesday 6:30 park behind institute

ultimate shall be played tomorrow, wednesday, at 6:30 PM at the park behind the institute.
and, lest you think ultimaters are anti-religious given their stance on wednesday temple attendance, let me quote from the book of kenji, chapter seven:

1. Then Adam, who is Kenji, woke up late in the afternoon and pitched on the south side of Donaldina M. Cameron Park, so that the hosts of the white shirt team were on the north side by the trees.
2. Then Mr. Wilson said unto Kenji, the color shirt players that are with thee are too many for me to deliver victory over the white shirt team into your hands, lest the color shirt team say, Mine own hand hath saved me, and not the hand of Mr. Wilson.
3. Now therefore go to, proclaim in the ears of the people, saying, Whosoever is fearful and afraid, let him return and depart early from Donaldina M. Cameron park.  And there returned of the people twenty, and there remained twenty.
4. And Mr. Wilson said unto Kenji, The p
eople are yet too many; bring them down unto the water fountain, and I will try them for thee there: and it shall be, that of whom I say unto thee, This shall play with thee, the same shall play with thee; and of whomsoever I say unto thee, This shall not play with thee, the same shall not play.
5. So he brought down the people unto the water fountain: and Mr. Wilson said unto Kenji, Every one that lappeth of the water with his tongue, as a dog lappeth, him shalt thou set by himself; likewise every one that boweth down upon his knees to drink, which would be extremely difficult at a water fountain of these modern sorts.
6. And the number of them that lapped, putting their hand to their mouth, were three men and women: but all the rest of the people bowed down upon their knees and somehow drank water.
7. And Mr. Wilson said unto Kenji, By the three men and women that lapped will I grant you victory on the field of ultimate, and deliver the white shirt team into thine hand: and let all the other people go every man and woman unto his or her place.
8. So the people took their frisbees in their hands, and yelled their trash talk, and trod the white shirt team beneath their feet.
9. But let this not dissuade future players of ultimate, because they shall never be turned away, no matter their gender or ability or level of fear or manner of drinking from the water fountain, and the white shirt team wins often, even if it is handicapped by the presence of Chris "the man" Perry, whose nickname was given him by himself, and not by any other man or woman.

ultimate wednesday 6:30 park behind institute

though oft it's said, the frisbee men
are lesser men of worth
that basketball is masculine
and disks are for the birds

and furthermore, they mock the girls
who think to toss and throw
the great and spacious pointing folk
say many things so low

their jests are for this earth, no more
the meek shall find and grin
the courts of heav'n are filled too tight
to e'er install a rim

but grassy plains are found in scores
and disks from times of yore
projecting, diving, we shall laugh
at those who thought to scorn

 shall be played here in mortality, tomorrow, wednesday, at 6:30 PM at the park behind the institute.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

ultimate wednesday 6:30 park behind institute

air listers, both those who do, and those who do not like poetry-

the ultimate frisbee season begins again tomorrow, wednesday, at 6:30 PM at the park behind the institute. to help out the newer folks, I've compiled a helpful list of frequently asked questions:

who normally comes to these things?
everyone who attends is physically strong, mentally awake*, and morally straight. even if you're not those things, we tell you you are. ultimate is a game of acceptance and love**.

I don't know anything about ultimate. should I come?
yes. and yes. and yes. we're not incredibly sophisticated. we just like running after flying discs. think dogs with two legs***.

isn't frisbee for sissies?
your mom.

what if I can't throw a frisbee?
don't worry, neither can I.

is donaldina the best name for a park ever?
yes. and yes.

is kenji the best player to ever grace our presence?
it's a toss up between he and adam w. watching them is like watching picasso, running and diving and catching a roundish brush with no paint.

I have to choose between the temple trip and ultimate. which do I attend?
please, give me a harder question. temple is open when people? that's right, the rest of the week.****

aren't you a tad bit strange for sending poetry to the lds list?
I could ask you the same question.

how much money would I have to pay you to stop you from spamming the lds listserve again?
money wouldn't do it. but I'd consider shutting up if you busted my kneecaps. or cut off my pinky. that would probably be enough. actually, just the threat of cutting off my pinky would do it. or threaten to twist it really hard. with a steel cable. and fire ants. with ant diseases.

*so the mentally awake thing is a bit of a lie in my case. but everyone else is. I promise.
**I know at least one married couple who met on the field of ultimate.
***of course, if you come, you're not a dog. you're amazing. end of story.
****okay, before I get hate mail from the temple folks, let me just state that at the temple they probably cover not sending hate mail, so please don't. I'd probably be more sure about this if I had ever skipped ultimate for the temple. for the record, I'm just joking around--everyone knows that righteous people would go to the temple. but I'm betting there's enough wickedness around here to round up some decent teams.

ultimate shall return

esteemed listers-

though rain has graced our land today
it's blessed drops refreshing ground
reviving grass on which we play
sweet ultimate with discs made round

tradition dictates start we must
on wednesday next the toss be made
our hopes an ever-present lust
to catch the final disc that's played

and so, to you, fair, weathered friends
the choice is put to your free will
to play for fame which never ends?
or languish, never seeking thrill?

reply to me with choices firm
we'll muster teams of honest souls
as well those new, as well those learned
and fight the honest fight for goals

for ultimate, it shall return

groundhog day

wake up woodchuck chuckers, it's groundhog day!

I know a lot of you are toiling away for the man, and probably didn't realize that monday fell on a holiday this year*, and I'd like to formally apologize for the lack of observation of groundhog day by pretty much anyone. however, those of us basking in the sunlight right now** would like to extend you the warm suntanned hand of fellowship, and invite you to the extra-cool-non-old-and-semi-attractive man house (formally the old man house) for some prime viewing of a movie made in honor of this glorious day.

who can turn down the opportunity to hear rejoinders such as, "people like blood sausage. people are idiots.", or "don't drive angry, don't drive angry", or my personal favorite, "don't mess with me pork chop, what day is it?"

groundhog day. tonight, 8:00 PM sharp (this old man needs his sleep). the aforementioned men-of-semi-desirable-qualities house (address).

I know what you're thinking. some of you had your email composed, ready to chastise me for breaking the list guidelines (again) and spamming you with meaningless banter. ha. there's no rule about coupling meaningless banter with an invite. some of you are wondering why the running back for the bengals is hitting the lds list***. some of you are shocked that I would compete with fhe (I'll confess here that I can't remember the last time I went...sorry bishop, and I feel guilty that I don't feel guilty). but most of you (and these are the desirable ones) are now salivating in blessed anticipation of a memorable movie night, and the endless possibilities of awkwardness that I always offer.


p.s. let me state for the record that I have spent the better part of the past three months using all of my self restraint from hitting reply-all on some of the precious gems that have crossed my desk from the lds list direction. let me take a moment to address a few:

a) liz, I was happy to hear about the lady's basketball night. what if you're a man, and you play basketball like a girl****? can I still come?
b) dave, we all feel bettered for having helped you find your housing direction in life.
c) margie, I once sang hotel california for the cafeteria in high school. I'm totally willing to repeat that experience, as I think my voice has risen in the meantime (see (a) for further evidence of femininity*****), making it possible for me to actually hit the high notes.
d) derek, thank you soooo much for the invitation to the 3d avatar chat.

*this expression is nonsense, but I'm too lazy to try and replace it.
**lies. I'm in the basement of a library.
***chris perry the running back is slightly more desirable than chris perry the b-average student with above average bmi (though we were born on the same day, and I think my gpa is still higher).
****lies again. girls are sooooo much better than me.
*****I know, I know, that just lost me any prospects I might have had.

ultimate frisbee 6:30 wednesday at peers park

now is your chance to live down those years of getting put with the girls during gym to play hopscotch while all of the men played basketball.

due to fences being placed around the field at the park by the institute, frisbee will be held today at 6:30 PM at alexander peers park. you can get there by going east (towards the bay) from the Institute on Stanford Ave. if you get slightly scathed by caltrain, you've gone too far.

all skill levels are welcome, just remember it's a friendly pickup game, so if the thought of cutting someone a break inhibits with your lust for victory, you may want to think about doing something else like paintballing, killing small insects, or following bear grylls as he scales a hundred foot cliff in the sahara and eats snakes for breakfast. though I think bear grylls is very friendly, I bet some snakes don't care much for him.

blessing the blessed blessed blessed day-


(and I really did get put with the girls during gym. in high school. don't you ever ever bring that up, or I'll sic bear grylls on you.)

ultimate frisbee 6:30 wednesday at peers park

frisbee in the rain just gives you more ability to brag about your woman/manliness (until someone from utah spouts off about frisbee in snow).

due to fences being placed around the field at the park by the institute, frisbee will be held today at 6:30 PM at alexander peers park. you can get there by going east (towards the bay) from the Institute on Stanford Ave. if you get moderately bruised by caltrain, you've gone too far.

all skill levels are welcome, unless it's a wilsonian level of skill and you play on the other team and crush me regularly, in which case you're invited to play with one leg. and even then you're not allowed to brag about catching the frisbee with your teeth after having crawled faster than I can run.

blessing the blessed blessed blessed day-


ultimate frisbee 6:30 wednesday at peers park

it's the oldest established permanent floating ultimate game* in palo alto.

due to fences being placed around the field at the park by the institute, frisbee will be held tomorrow evening at 6:30 PM at alexander peers park. you can get there by going east** (towards the bay) on Stanford Ave. if you get tagged by caltrain, you've gone too far.

no excuse for absence is acceptable. I have skipped dates, temple trips, institute, work, homework, and wedding dates*** to play ultimate frisbee.


* ever since watching guys and dolls, I have fantasized about being a craps-playing, salvation-army-girl dating, boat-rocking gangster.
** if your name were benj, you'd be reminding me here that towards the bay really isn't east, it's more north; unfortunately, nobody else knows that.
*** ha, just kidding. you bet I wouldn't be playing stupid frisbee if I could be getting hitched--preferably to that girl from my high school who played the salvation army girl.

ultimate frisbee 6:30 wednesday at peers park

rumors of its demise have been greatly exaggerated. frisbee is back and better than ever.

due to fences being placed around the field at the park by the institute, frisbee will be held tomorrow evening at alexander peers park. you can get there by going east (towards the bay) on Stanford Ave. if you get crushed under caltrain, you've gone too far.

for those of you unaware, ultimate frisbee constitutes the best possible use of your time on a wednesday evening, with a close second being Institute taught by Jon. come if you are good, come if you are bad, but don't come expecting to be intense, unless by intense you mean the thirst to maliciously outrun me for a diving catch in the end zone, which action you mercilessly flaunt in my face for years afterwards (thanks annette).

blessing the blessed blessed blessed day-


housing needs/availabilities

Registrants of said list and forwarded affiliates-

As male housing coordinator of the second ward, I get to do helpful things like maintain a spreadsheet and email new people to tell them I know of no housing, which is helpful, I'm sure, but somewhat thankless at times. In any case, if you have housing, are looking for housing, or just want to chat about ducks, if you could email me I'll get you on the google spreadsheet I maintain, and hopefully earn my pay by actually coordinating housing.

And I'm not particularly concerned as to your age/ward/love of ducks, just let me know just the same if I can help out. Gender, however, I do care about, as I thankfully only get to work with men. Women can contact Siobhan at (email) (I'm sure you're happy I'm directing people to you). Women are, of course, always invited to contact me, but I don't know how much I'll want to talk about housing.

Lastly, I do know of a housing opportunity for a female--housing for the foreseeable future, starting in a smaller one bedroom apartment, eventually upgrading to some form of house. Meals and laundry and a diamond are included, but you'll probably want to do your own ironing. Only payment required is a titanium ring, and your signature on a few legal documents. The downside is it would be a shared bedroom (even when you get the house).


(and if anyone has more optimal ideas on how to coordinate housing, I'm more than willing to listen)

no more ultimate on wed.

the rain dripped down down drearily
and wept on fields past agony
no toes of joy to walk on me
no diving throes of victory

the golden sun that penetrates
does sooner sooner obfuscate
no light to brighten; commiserate
no twilight gains to celebrate

the happy days again will come
with light and life, again with sun
no brighter, brighter elation
no happiness could overcome


AVAST! Lilly-livered land lubbers! Cap'n Slappy an' Ol' Chamberbucket do rightly wish ye a blessed talk like a pirate day. Arrr! May yer scrubbing of yer decks and walking of yer planks treat ye well today. Argh, and may all bilge rats who do smartly insist on using yer correct grammatical expressions be carsed to the bottom of old Davey' Jones' locker. Shiver me timbers and bless me day. ARGH!

free tv stand

Readers of emails hitting the list with the word 'free' somewhere in the subject line:

There comes a time in a man's life when his roommate comes home with a really long ugly couch which displaces the old furniture that has darkened the man's domain for the past two years without really being used for any worthwhile purpose, but which he has kept because he is inherently lazy.

Now is that time.

So I have a tv stand that I'm willing to part with for free. And when I say, willing to part with for free, I mean please please take it away from me as it has sat unused in my living room for AGES. Email me if you're interested. You can email me if you're not interested too, but I don't guarantee any gratitude on my part for the latter. There's a respectable probability of decent conversation (for which I'll expect YOU to be grateful), but that depends entirely upon the mood of the recipient. Can you call internet communications conversation? I kind of doubt it.

You can see it here: (link)

Anyways, enjoy your tv standless lives. Bwa ha ha.


ultimate frisbee today 6:30; park behind the institute

How do you afford your ultimate lifestyle?
How do you afford your ultimate lifestyle?

How much did you pay for your intramural t-shirt
That proves you were there, and you were playing it first?

How much did you pay for the chunk of his frisbee,
The one he ruthlessly smashed at the end of Wednesday's game?

And how much will he pay for a brand new frisbee,
One which he'll ruthlessly smash at the end of today's game?

And how long will the workers keep building him new ones?
As long as their t-shirts are red, white, and blue ones.

And how much did you spend on your black warmup jacket?
Is it you or your parents in this income tax bracket?

Aging black soccer cleats and hospital bills,
ACL replacement and dozens of pills.

Your body pays dearly now for youthful magic moments,
But rock on completely with some brand new components.

housing availabilities? + job opening

denizens of said list:

my work just hired a guy from Utah, and he's looking for a 2 bed 2 bath in the greater Palo Alto area. I realize everyone and their dog hits the list for housing, but hey, at least it's not for an airport ride. anyways, if you have an inside scoop on a place, let me know, and I'll pass it along. if you don't, you can curse my name and send me nasty emails about how the list has helped you get to the airport countless times.

secondly, work is looking to hire really smart people who work really hard. so, basically, they want to hire the demographic who probably already has a job and is getting paid loads of money. but if someone you know wants to work hard and get paid dozens of dollars, send them this: of course, they'd need to know something about statistics. maybe even be able to find the cramer-rao lower bound for an unbiased estimator. or not.


p.s. yes, I know I'm not a salesman. that's why I majored in statistics.
p.p.s. yes, I think the cramer-rao lower bound is a great name for a band. and no, I haven't even thought of finding an mvue since college.
p.p.p.s. I'd suggest the train.

ultimate frisbee today 6:30

since nobody comes at six anyways, let's do six thirty at the park behind the institute (though technically, it's not actually behind the institute, those are houses, and I'll confess here that my first attempt to attend this blessed event was thwarted by bad geography; only on the sunday following was I able to correctly identify said blessed field).

for those of you wishing to walk all over me again this week, let me just warn you that I have some intelligence which suggests that Adam W, king of the disc, sprinter of miles, jumper of feets, and flash lightening amazing hands, will be in attendance, and is sure to squash you, as his athletic prowess exceeds all, and causes universal humbling. I'll be calling him to coordinate our uniforms. lest you be too dismayed, be also warned that one of the frozen chosen, runner of nor'easter marathons, Thacker the hacker, tamer of mathematics, and one of the (many or few, depending on the field) double x chromosomed beings who consistently destroys me will also be in attendance, and always opposes me, to my everlasting dismay, and the delight of all those who enjoy seeing her rip the frisbee away from me at the last second to score the winning goal, as we swoop down the field, exchanging petty insults above the fray of the yelling crowds.

Ultimate Tonight (wed) 7:00

Ultimate behind the institute.

John N. springs sprightly to snag
his hand just outreaching the others
Kenji circles his foes,
laughing as they fall spinning

Melanie M. sets up the swing
Catches. Stall one. Stall two.
Where are the cuts? Where are the men?
Rusty Hansen bobbles...and holds

Megan dances through the lines
mercilessly shredding defences
Carolyn E. calmly awaits
slipping the thread through the needle

Benj, and Stan, and Paul, and Mark
Each with eyes aflare
Will stare their enemies down in the face
and refuse to yield the day

Will there be glory seen tonight?
That is without question
Will you find glory on the field tonight?
Come and we will see

Does anyone have a Sam's club card?

Some of us aren't rich enough to purchase them. But we need one. Just for one purchase.

What purchase? Well, let me tell you. First, a story.

Once upon a time I found myself serving a mission in Argentina. Things progressed rather nicely in that delightful little country, until at one point I was transferred to the municipality of Rosario. As I went to use the superb sanitation facilities, I noticed a dearth of paper of any kind in the bathroom. What was a poor missionary to do? I questioned my companion, who promptly ridiculed me for not seeing the other fixture in the room, a bowl-shaped, porcelain object which he so callously referred to as the bidet (this was also the companion, who, upon noticing a lack of a right big toe, screamed one day, "Aaaah! My toe's gone!").

Without going into any sort of specifics (which Brother Daniels would surely censor or send a follow-up email regarding the uses of the list), I can say with no amount of hesitation that my first use of said object was an entirely strange and foreign experience. However, it was curiously pleasing, as the cleansing was exquisite. I became so addicted to this cleanliness, in fact, that I was able to procure the said item in Rosario (though of a slightly different type), through one of my contacts. This blessed artifact has become something of a fixture in my humble abode.

Well folks, one of the missionaries from Buenos Aires Oeste (you'll recognize that as being one of the more wicked, unenlightened missions, full of elders less valiant in the pre-mortal realms) was not able to procure said bidet from said country in order to be said cleansed. And he (Brother Gollnick) would enjoy said sensation once again.

Sam's Club holds the key to his mortal cleanliness. As he said to me (and I quote) "a clean bum is a happy bum"

First ward follies

yo yo

Follies be going down tomorrow (Saturday) at the Annex at 8:00 PM. Yous all be invited to come (especially if yous be in da first ward). If yous be in da second ward, yous can come if yous be wanting to poach some of da first warders (ahem...unless theys be ones that I be wanting to poach...)

It will be one of dem old musical review types of tings, wit singing, and dancing, and singin...and...dancin...and yeah. A sweet party afta da show. Da highlight of da evening will be inspecting da curtain dat da first ward relief society burned.

As my old hometeaching companion Devo would say, "it's better than a kick in the pants."

Saturday, May 6 8:00 PM Annex

Tutor Sub needed Thursday

Yo Future Tutors

My brothers are coming into town, and I was wondering if any of you Tudors (or Stuarts, or Cromwells, or Windsors) would be available to help fulfill my tutoring obligation on Thursday. I tutor two hispanic high school kids in Math, Biology, English, or whatever they want. If you know a few jokes, they'd love to hear those.

If you speak Spanish, that would make things a bit easier, but they understand English enough to tell me my jokes are bad, and to curse the day (no really, they do).

Anyways, let me know if you can shirk your royal obligations tomorrow to help out some fellow subjects in some simple subjects on behalf of loyal subject. With a few predicates thrown in.


Male Housing Needed--The Return of the Brian

Stan Forders

Many moonings ago, our beloved friend, Brian, left us for the bubbilic confines of BYU, in search of a bachelor's degree, and a reprieve from bachelorniss. Like the majority of us, he has failed in half of his task, and returns a bachelor, with a bachelor's.

And he needs housing. He'll be coming 'round the mountains in January, and would like to be placed by Feb 1st at the latest. He's a really cool guy, evidenced by the fact that he didn't get married at BYU, just like us.

Email him at (email) if you have any info. Mainly info about housing would be appreciated, but I'm sure he'd like any kind of info you want to pass along to him--facts, figures, or consolation for double-bachelorness. In fact, cc me if you have any of that last part.

Sub for Santa- PLEASE ignore...

...if you're in the second ward.

So wait a minute, did anybody else catch onto the fact that the SECOND ward stole the FIRST ward's activity? I don't want any of you first warders getting confused, so I thought I'd throw this out there:

Don't go to theirs! Come to ours! We'll show THEM who's more charitable!

I know what you're saying. You're saying to yourselves, "Yea, we belive all the words which thou hast spoken unto us; and also, we know of their surety and truth, but how doest we to help in the first ward's sub for santa activity, and show unto the second ward their uncharitableness?"

Hark, I say unto thee, behold, thou must repent of thy sins of not coming to wrap gifts on Tuesday, and come to deliver ye gifts on Saturday. At 11:30. At ye olde Institute.

Harken, and come. Saturday. 11:30. Yeah. To deliver. Peace out.

The cold case of the coolest mysterious disappearing cooler

'twas a dark and stormy night, yea, a very starmy night when I approached me good friend, Jon D. "Let me have yer cooler" I croaked, "for we be a needin' a nice cooler for the first ward campout."

"But," said he, "will you treat my cooler with the utmost respect possible one couldst give a cooler? For I have loaned many a cooler in my day, fair lad, and have yet to receive one of said coolers back into my possession..."

"Have ye no fear, laddy," was me only response, "for I be but a humble marmon, and respect the code of the marmons, as true rules, and not as guidelines."

"Well," said me matey, "I will loan you the least of my coolers--but alas, be you warned, for this is a magic disappearing cooler, and as soon as you let it out of your possession, it will be whisked away among the many first warders as dust in the wind."

"Dargh," said I, "we will treasure yer cooler. Avast, by the peg leg of Blackbeard himself, no such harm shall come!"

But I shall be telling this with a sigh. The many carsed winds carried me far from that cooler that night, and sure as me matey did prophesy, the cooler has vanished in the depths of davey jones' locker. It has been many a moon, and many a staaaarrrless night without that cooler, and it is time to recover it from the laddies and lasses of the first ward.

**Dargh, let me know if ye be holding onto a magic blue cooler from the last first ward campout!

who posts emails?

Hey folks! Nice to see you around. And by see, I mean, check out your source in my Google Analytics account.

If you've stumbled upon this page it either means a) you're really advanced and somehow pick up on when I add pages to my site, or b) I coerced you into coming here. If it's b, I'm sorry. I can't help it. I crave attention.

As long as you're here, you might as well read some of the emails I've sent to the Bay Area LDS email list, which is an email list I've been on for the past five years, consisting of several hundred mormon folk in Northern California. You're probably wondering what sort of individual posts emails to a website. Aside from a non-sane one, of course.

There are two reasons. Well, at least two. Maybe five. Possibly seven.

First: I'm proud of my creations. I spent time on these guys. Some of them are works of art, if I say so myself. I'd like them to be remembered with fondness.

Second: I have a very strong opinion on how emails should be composed, and I want to back up my philosophy with examples. If you spend some time to peruse, it should be very apparent, but to summarize briefly: most emails are boring. Boring is boring. Nobody likes boring. You can try and be all businessy and write your emails succinctly with nice long numbered lists, or even write a nice summary paragraph, but guess what? Nobody is going to read it. We don't want to read it. It's boring. Boring. It doesn't matter how organized you manage to scratch out your thoughts, it will not be read, because you are boring everybody. Stop boring everybody.

The only solution is pure, unadulterated strangeness. People read lunacy. They can't get enough of it. I read crazy things all the time. It's addicting. If Dave Barry were writing quarterly reports, you'd bet there'd not be a single overvalued company in the world. Everyone would know exactly what the balance sheet is like, because it would be hilarious.

Okay, that's enough of my off-the-cuff ranting. I'm betting nobody will read this anyways, so the world really hasn't changed.

I hope you like them. If not, I hope you at least try and make your emails/communications less boring. Everyone will appreciate it. If everyone doesn't, at least I will.

Bless you-