Some of us aren't rich enough to purchase them. But we need one. Just for one purchase.
What purchase? Well, let me tell you. First, a story.
Once upon a time I found myself serving a mission in Argentina. Things progressed rather nicely in that delightful little country, until at one point I was transferred to the municipality of Rosario. As I went to use the superb sanitation facilities, I noticed a dearth of paper of any kind in the bathroom. What was a poor missionary to do? I questioned my companion, who promptly ridiculed me for not seeing the other fixture in the room, a bowl-shaped, porcelain object which he so callously referred to as the bidet (this was also the companion, who, upon noticing a lack of a right big toe, screamed one day, "Aaaah! My toe's gone!").
Without going into any sort of specifics (which Brother Daniels would surely censor or send a follow-up email regarding the uses of the list), I can say with no amount of hesitation that my first use of said object was an entirely strange and foreign experience. However, it was curiously pleasing, as the cleansing was exquisite. I became so addicted to this cleanliness, in fact, that I was able to procure the said item in Rosario (though of a slightly different type), through one of my contacts. This blessed artifact has become something of a fixture in my humble abode.
Well folks, one of the missionaries from Buenos Aires Oeste (you'll recognize that as being one of the more wicked, unenlightened missions, full of elders less valiant in the pre-mortal realms) was not able to procure said bidet from said country in order to be said cleansed. And he (Brother Gollnick) would enjoy said sensation once again.
Sam's Club holds the key to his mortal cleanliness. As he said to me (and I quote) "a clean bum is a happy bum"