Sunday, June 20, 2010

the return of benj: ultimate saturday 9:30 park behind institute

ultimate shall be played tomorrow, saturday, at 9:30 AM at the park behind the institute.
in many instances throughout history, individuals of great acclaim have been forced to leave areas and people to which they are deeply attached.  some of them are great (and egotistical) generals, who get forced off of islands and proclaim they "shall return".  some of them are large actors who state their intention of coming back, then go on to govern an ungovernable state.

some of them, however, are as-of-yet relatively unknown figures to the world at large.  take, for example, an average-looking white male whose looks deceive, as his above-averageness is indicated by the locations in which he has called home: 
austria, bolivia, romania, spanish fork*, and sweden.  he holds two degrees from stanford, climbs mountains, speaks multiple languages, and can discuss classical music and literature like most men are capable of discussing...ummm...something that men are capable of discussing...I'd say cars, but I can't really talk about cars, and I'm not writing these emails to knock on my masculinity.  but he can discuss the classics pretty durn good**.

his name may not be known to you newcomers, but yours is known to him, as he knows all.  by the annals of history he will be known as benjamin christensen, but to you and me, he is known 
only by four letters:


his return is immenent, and he will reward the faithful with a frabjous game of ultimate frisbee.
  his skill with the disc rivals the most elevated of players: jon daniels, adam wilson, kenji, steve pearson, tim mason, and the elusive annette thacker.  however, uncoordinated folks like myself, do not be afraid, he is also intensely humble (even if he has no reason to be).  I cannot recommend a man more highly than mr. christensen (in every way), and I invite you to come bask in his supreme awesomeness***.

the game will be one for the ages.  fifty years from now, don't you want to be able to say that you had the courage to play ultimate this day?****

come to play, come to awe, come to glory.

yes, spanish fork is decidedly average, but appears somewhat exotic when placed with a list of foreign countries.
**as they say in spanish fark.
***remember, there is no charge for awesomeness.  or attractiveness.
****personally, I'd like to be able to say I never saw the sequel to transformers, but I'm afraid I'll never get those three hours (and bazillion brain cells) back.

ultimate wednesday 6:30 park behind institute

ultimate shall be played tomorrow, wednesday, at 6:30 PM at the park behind the institute.

given the huge outpouring* of inquiries as to the nature of the game of ultimate, I shall attempt to explain some of the more basic concepts:

ultimate (short for ultimate frisbee) is played with a frisbee disc, preferably a disc which was not bequeathed the player from a fast food restaurant in southern utah (the fries were great, but the frisbee was awful).  the players divide into two teams, the team with white shirts, and the team wearing other colors of t-shirts.  discrimination and prejudice based on skin color is completely wrong in every way, but discrimination based on t-shirt color is encouraged, as it provides useful entertainment.

players then attempt to score a goal by catching the disc in the end zone, or catching it within a few feet of the end zone and pretending to have caught it inside of the boundaries.  the latter is usually accompanied by various and sundry interpretations of the amorphous goal line, which is typically only demarcated by a single tree.  geometry will tell you to make a line you need two points, but in ultimate you just need a tree, and a liberal interpretation of the perpendicular concept.

the disc is advanced down the field by tossing and catching between players, or, as is more often the case, tossing and then yelling at me when I drop it.  players like myself spend more time crying and hitting the ground** than actually in possession of a disc.  if the disc is dropped, it is turned over to the other team, whereupon they drop it in like fashion, and the game proceeds in this manner.

moving with the disc is prohibited, unless you are incapable of coming to a complete stop from a full-out run upon catching the disc.  if your run is like mine, and more approximates the waddle of a severely pregnant woman carrying four bags of groceries than what any reasonable person could deem a "run", then you won't have that problem, but you could pretend that the waddle is hard to stop, and waddle your way another few steps down field.

after a point is scored, the scoring team tosses the disc to the loser team (or, in my parlance, the loser other color t-shirted team).  players fight over who gets to not throw the disc, as the entire field gets to see how poorly you throw.  hence my invention of the completely apostate and incorrect concept, "it's all about the roll".

as you can see, it's a fairly simple game with only a moderate amount of embarrassment, and if you're playing with me, you needn't worry, as I'll severely underplay you.  unless we begin talking about coding in R, and then I will whip y'all.

*and by huge, I mean utter lack of
**I can guarantee at least one crying outburst where I fall and hit the ground repeatedly with my buttery-fingered fist

ultimate wednesday 6:30 park behind institute

ultimate shall be played tomorrow, wednesday, at 6:30 PM at the park behind the institute.

if you don't come for the frisbee, come for the food*.  if you don't come for the food, come for the women**.  if you don't come for the women, come for the men***.  if you don't come for the men, come for the conversation****.  if you don't come for the conversation, come to sit around and see if I can duplicate the play several years back where I managed to emerge unscathed from a high speed collision with a large, attractive man (with an even more attractive girlfriend), whereas he was forced to quit the field, injured*****.

*lies.  there is no food.  unless you count the egos of the vanquished.
**less of a lie.  we have several women who regularly come, but they're more interested in crushing you than smooching (at least on the field, off the field, they are gloriously gracious).
***I can't imagine a reality in which sweaty men are appealing, but to each her own.
****the conversation is amazing.  we discuss suing our landlords, graduating, finishing finals in the next eight hours, getting denied by bone-crushing, yet dainty, women, denying men (at least the girls discuss this; I have yet to drum up a story about that...well, except one...), losing out in the end zone by inches to kiwi gazen (half gazelle, half woman of new zealander pseudo-nationality), times when our gazens have gotten us into trouble, and ducky togas, along with their dampening effect on dating.
*****uncoordinated skinny white nerds don't have a lot to brag about, but when we do, we remember it and bring it up again and again and again.  this particular play will get me into history books (I won't have as many mentions as Mr. Douglas, but mine won't be written by tenth graders, and followed by profanities).

ultimate wednesday 6:30 park behind institute

ultimate shall be played tomorrow, wednesday, at 6:30 PM at the park behind the institute.

some men find glory on the fields of battle.

some men find glory in the arms of a wonderful woman.

some men find glory within the halls of political conquest.

but most men live and die in obscurity*.

come make the most of your probationary estate, and live it up while you can, because you probably won't make it into any history books, so you might as well enjoy yourself instead of putting in that extra hour at work**.

*most women, however, live and die with obscure men, being completely un-obscure, beautiful vixens of vivaciousness themselves.
**sorry for the depressing message.  I'll make a history book and put you in it if it'll make you feel better.

ultimate wednesday 6:30 park behind institute

ultimate shall be played tomorrow, wednesday, at 6:30 PM at the park behind the institute.
and, lest you think ultimaters are anti-religious given their stance on wednesday temple attendance, let me quote from the book of kenji, chapter seven:

1. Then Adam, who is Kenji, woke up late in the afternoon and pitched on the south side of Donaldina M. Cameron Park, so that the hosts of the white shirt team were on the north side by the trees.
2. Then Mr. Wilson said unto Kenji, the color shirt players that are with thee are too many for me to deliver victory over the white shirt team into your hands, lest the color shirt team say, Mine own hand hath saved me, and not the hand of Mr. Wilson.
3. Now therefore go to, proclaim in the ears of the people, saying, Whosoever is fearful and afraid, let him return and depart early from Donaldina M. Cameron park.  And there returned of the people twenty, and there remained twenty.
4. And Mr. Wilson said unto Kenji, The p
eople are yet too many; bring them down unto the water fountain, and I will try them for thee there: and it shall be, that of whom I say unto thee, This shall play with thee, the same shall play with thee; and of whomsoever I say unto thee, This shall not play with thee, the same shall not play.
5. So he brought down the people unto the water fountain: and Mr. Wilson said unto Kenji, Every one that lappeth of the water with his tongue, as a dog lappeth, him shalt thou set by himself; likewise every one that boweth down upon his knees to drink, which would be extremely difficult at a water fountain of these modern sorts.
6. And the number of them that lapped, putting their hand to their mouth, were three men and women: but all the rest of the people bowed down upon their knees and somehow drank water.
7. And Mr. Wilson said unto Kenji, By the three men and women that lapped will I grant you victory on the field of ultimate, and deliver the white shirt team into thine hand: and let all the other people go every man and woman unto his or her place.
8. So the people took their frisbees in their hands, and yelled their trash talk, and trod the white shirt team beneath their feet.
9. But let this not dissuade future players of ultimate, because they shall never be turned away, no matter their gender or ability or level of fear or manner of drinking from the water fountain, and the white shirt team wins often, even if it is handicapped by the presence of Chris "the man" Perry, whose nickname was given him by himself, and not by any other man or woman.

ultimate wednesday 6:30 park behind institute

though oft it's said, the frisbee men
are lesser men of worth
that basketball is masculine
and disks are for the birds

and furthermore, they mock the girls
who think to toss and throw
the great and spacious pointing folk
say many things so low

their jests are for this earth, no more
the meek shall find and grin
the courts of heav'n are filled too tight
to e'er install a rim

but grassy plains are found in scores
and disks from times of yore
projecting, diving, we shall laugh
at those who thought to scorn

 shall be played here in mortality, tomorrow, wednesday, at 6:30 PM at the park behind the institute.