Sunday, June 20, 2010

ultimate wednesday 6:30 park behind institute

ultimate shall be played tomorrow, wednesday, at 6:30 PM at the park behind the institute.

given the huge outpouring* of inquiries as to the nature of the game of ultimate, I shall attempt to explain some of the more basic concepts:

ultimate (short for ultimate frisbee) is played with a frisbee disc, preferably a disc which was not bequeathed the player from a fast food restaurant in southern utah (the fries were great, but the frisbee was awful).  the players divide into two teams, the team with white shirts, and the team wearing other colors of t-shirts.  discrimination and prejudice based on skin color is completely wrong in every way, but discrimination based on t-shirt color is encouraged, as it provides useful entertainment.

players then attempt to score a goal by catching the disc in the end zone, or catching it within a few feet of the end zone and pretending to have caught it inside of the boundaries.  the latter is usually accompanied by various and sundry interpretations of the amorphous goal line, which is typically only demarcated by a single tree.  geometry will tell you to make a line you need two points, but in ultimate you just need a tree, and a liberal interpretation of the perpendicular concept.

the disc is advanced down the field by tossing and catching between players, or, as is more often the case, tossing and then yelling at me when I drop it.  players like myself spend more time crying and hitting the ground** than actually in possession of a disc.  if the disc is dropped, it is turned over to the other team, whereupon they drop it in like fashion, and the game proceeds in this manner.

moving with the disc is prohibited, unless you are incapable of coming to a complete stop from a full-out run upon catching the disc.  if your run is like mine, and more approximates the waddle of a severely pregnant woman carrying four bags of groceries than what any reasonable person could deem a "run", then you won't have that problem, but you could pretend that the waddle is hard to stop, and waddle your way another few steps down field.

after a point is scored, the scoring team tosses the disc to the loser team (or, in my parlance, the loser other color t-shirted team).  players fight over who gets to not throw the disc, as the entire field gets to see how poorly you throw.  hence my invention of the completely apostate and incorrect concept, "it's all about the roll".

as you can see, it's a fairly simple game with only a moderate amount of embarrassment, and if you're playing with me, you needn't worry, as I'll severely underplay you.  unless we begin talking about coding in R, and then I will whip y'all.

*and by huge, I mean utter lack of
**I can guarantee at least one crying outburst where I fall and hit the ground repeatedly with my buttery-fingered fist

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